Friday, January 15, 2010

Call the Cops!

The best thing about growing up and living near a small town like Connell (pop. About 3000 not including prisoners at the “correctional facility”) is that everyone knows each other and the community is close. The bad thing about growing up and living in an area like this is that everyone knows each other and the community is close.

Here like many small towns across America we have a tritelenetwork for communication. (telephone,telebartender and telewoman). This system is so efficient that when the weekly newspaper arrives there is not much to print. However I and many of my neighbors excitedly wait for the “Franklin County Graphic” to arrive in the mailbox every Thursday.

The newspaper has what most small town papers have a couple of local stories on the front page. Then a second page with birthdays, anniversary’s, obituaries, birth announcements, graduations, completion of military basic training and lunch menus for the schools and the old folk’s home. Page 3 is a complete sports page with scores, stats, pictures and the “Eagles of the week”. There is a page of classified ads of mostly homes for sale or rent but sometimes items for sale like a shotgun, a healthy 3 legged goat or a tailgate in good condition for a 1951 Chevy pickup can be found there. There is a page of business ads for those needing anything from their computer repaired to their septic tank pumped, and NO it is not the same guy providing both services unless you need it done on a Saturday.

Then there is a page or two of those legal’s that nobody reads but you have to run in a “paper of legal record” just to keep the community legal in their lives. This way if your ex wife decides to come back and claim ownership to your shotgun, goat or used tailgate you have some standing in the eyes of the law. The last page will have a few famous quotes, maybe a recipe or two and possibly an ad wishing someone happy birthday or announcing a demolition derby/potluck out at the dry lake bed next to the grain elevators.

The last thing in the paper every week is the “Connell Police blotter” Reporting all the actions of the police department. Now I am a huge supporter and have the utmost respect for those in law enforcement. The men, women and those in sexual transition either way who wear a badge for a living have a thankless job. Just this week alone let me show you some of the issues they face. These are ALL actual blotter reports this week followed by what my response would have been and why I can never do their job


Responded to verbal domestic, no crime committed, was verbal only.

I would have called Clarice Starling at the FBI and asked if she could maybe get Hannibal Lecter to give me some insight.

Responded to report of assault, two persons transported to police department and parent called. No assault, fight was between siblings.

Well they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but they did not comment on how close to keep your sister if she caught you playing with her Barbie’s.

Arrested person on warrant out of Adams County. Person was released when Adams County did not have personnel to meet at the county line. Person was advised to take care of warrant.

Sorry son, “Adams County won’t drive 30 miles just to put you in jail, Sergeant Dewberry, please go fetch me the short rope and call public works and see if we can borrow their boom truck this afternoon”.

And the topper of the week

Received complaint of loud music. Complainant requested music be stopped or garage door closed until after church. Garage door was closed on arrival.

Good thing I sent the SWAT team.

Today’s real environmentalist species found on the ranch is sagebrush aka Artemisia tridentata.