Monday, October 17, 2011

Washington DC and me

Hey everyone and thank you to my new blog fans that have been emailing me! I actually have so much blog material I am not really sure where to start. Since I was last here so much has happened and most of it positive. I was able to enjoy a day on the ranch actually working today and not only did I like it, I craved it and needed it!

I spent a good part of last week traveling and visiting our nations capitol "agvocating" for the cattle industry and the Washington Cattlemens Association. I am here to tell you that there is probably a good 10 blog posts related to that trip alone. Both from an awe perspective, to disgust and humor standpoint. I had been to DC before but not as a lobbying effort and not post September 11, 2001. Things are a bit different in that city than it was prior to that date. The city like so many in the south has its share of humidity and for a fat cowboy wearing a long sleeved shirt, sports jacket and felt hat coupled with being out of my element and nervousness (yes it happens to me too although rarely) I think I could have solved the drought in Texas just with the moisture my body expelled. Having to practically get nude and past security with a a metal belt buckle, steel shank boots and a tin Copenhagen lid got to be quite a chore.

I traveled with my friends and fellow cattlemen Jack (aka heart attack Jack) and Vic (aka Sidewinder). Other than being asked what part of Texas we were from as a bit of a pain in the ass I will say a cowboy hat on the capitol mall gets a whole lot of respect and a few raised eyebrows. I just love being in a place where the people with neon pink hair and fishing lures on their face filling piercings look at you like YOU are the "freak". I think having a conversation with an armed capitol policeman with a machine gun and discussing just how effective said firearm would be at picking off squirrels in the park is something that they rarely get to experience. Jack and I were even invited to join a wedding reception for a beautiful young lady and a military young man because they wanted some pictures to remember their special night with the bride wearing my black Stetson. Good times indeed, however nobody in DC that I came across can drink whiskey like cowpokes from the great state of Washington. The other wonderful observation was the ladies love a cowboy hat and we got lots of compliments and the riffraff seems to clear a path as you walk down the street. It is almost like if you are crazy enough to wear a cowboy hat in DC you are probably crazy enough to dispatch anyone that bothers you.

Instead of going into great detail as to our lobbying efforts I will instead post about some of the more amusing and exciting parts of the trip from my perspective and twisted observations. It started in the park and fly outside the Seattle airport. As Jack squeezed the car into a tight slot I noticed that the guard shack had a sign in the window, "like" us on Facebook! Now I do not have a Facebook account as of yet but I am just not thinking when I do have one I will be "liking" a park and fly parking lot. Then we got to the ticket counter where Jack, Vic and I had a long discussion over checking luggage. Someday when there is Cowman airlines things will be different. All checked bags will be free and any carry on item bigger than a Copenhagen can and a wallet will be allowed but will cost $8,974 per item. It drives me nuts to watch people hold up a flight as they try to stuff a bag that could hold an elephant or half of Rosie O'Donnell into an overhead bin! Before I even had to witness this spectacle I saw something that my mind just could not let go as we waited in the boarding area. At another gate I noticed a dwarf couple (aka little people aka midgets) board a plane. Other than the fact that an unfortunate sight at a strip club in Vancouver BC years ago on a fishing trip made me very midget uncomfortable I also had this thought. Why did this couple really need 2 carry on bags that were at the upper limit of size? I mean really, one shirt of mine, a pair of socks and some denim trousers would not take any more cubic space than a midgets wardrobe for a month.Here I was being very politically incorrect in my thoughts as I headed out to be politically correct.

Our flights were mostly good considering my claustrophobic butt and I only needed 5 beers @ $5 each to make the flight to Atlanta without breaking out a window and doing a DB Cooper minus the cash. Hey that really was not that bad, Jack needed 4 beers and he is not even claustrophobic! After throwing away my boarding pass with my plastic chef salad container in Atlanta I was able to convince Lila at the gate to give me a new one and let me go with my friends to DC. This flight was much shorter and would have only required 2 beers but luckily our flight attendant was not very attentive and only served us one each but also did not charge us. Here we enjoyed our first of many taxi rides of the next few days that ranged from one that was really fun with a guy from Ethiopia that had lots of great reasons why we could become bazillionaires ranching in his home country to one son of a bitch that could do nothing but grunt a pissy "mrumphfff" to any question asked.

This is getting long and I have not even gotten started so a few other quick thoughts;

To a Washington cowboy $150,000 is a lot of damn money, that same amount in DC is equal in perspective to the change in Griseldas ashtray to my total ranch operation.

Our National Cattlemens Association (NCBA) of which our state is an affiliate has some really top of the line people in DC and helped us get face to face access to people that matter and I was thoroughly impressed with their influence, hospitality and genuine down to earth people that did so much to make our trip more productive and enjoyable. I also want to thank the Missouri Cattlemens Association and their leadership for all the conversation, perspective and fun.

A quick karate chop to the steering wheel of a taxi cabs horn means, get the f*ck out of the way.

It is damn hard to find Pendleton brand whiskey in Washington DC.

The waterfront of the Potomac river has some wharf rats that look like they could wean 6 weight calves.

If you are going to join the occupy DC crowd you would get more respect if you did not stand next to a sign saying "corporations are evil" while using your Apple iphone, and AT and T connection and holding a Starbucks coffee while wearing your Nike shoes.

When a flight attendant asks a four year old boy that is in the row in front and across from you "may I get you anything young man?", and he says, "yeah, I need a place to POOP." it is much more amusing to me than it is to his father! Oh my that was solid gold I tell ya!

A young lady flight attendant named Cassidy will probably never have children.

All flight attendants named Patrick are not gay but at least one is. (not that there is anything wrong with that)

You cant tip a flight attendant for providing good beer service but if you give them a $10 bill to throw away as she passes by she probably wont throw it away.

Last but not least, those of you that happen to know Jack should tell him, "It a'int easy Jack!" every chance you get just to see his temple pulse.

Today's real environmentalist species found on the ranch is the Northwestern Fritillary butterfly aka Speyeria hesperis.

Today's picture is an old one of cow #5019w with some birds because although I have a new camera I am not getting my pictures from the media card to load, arghhhhhhhh!