Sunday, March 28, 2010

Count me in

I should have never admitted to missing blog posts due to being busy. I should have just claimed I was away for 3 to 6 weeks while I filled out my Census form. I am not a fan of the Federal Government on a good day and this Census bullshit is not helping my attitude. As far as I am concerned the Federal Government is really only good at one thing. That one thing is fooking up anything and everything they become involved in. It seems to not matter who or what party is in power they do a stellar job of failing. The one thing this Census is doing for me is giving me much amusement and if it was not for the fact that my and your money was being pissed away it would really be humorous.

This started back in January when I saw some lady running back to her vehicle because Festus was running towards her to “greet” her. I called off the dog and approached her window. She rolled it down far enough that she could hear me yet kept it closed enough that a gnat could not get in with her. When she caught her breath she explained she was with the Census and asked if I would prefer to talk in English or Spanish. Just for the wondrous thrill and because I had 15 years in an apple orchard I chose Spanish for the conversation. The lady also kinda reminded me of General Santa Anna but she was more portly and had a fuller moustache which affected my choosing Espanol. Anyway, she told me she needed to take a GPS (aka GPS in Spanish for those that are not bilingual) reading and wanted to confirm the address. I did confirm the address (Si) but I told her that she really should get out of her rig and travel to the mailbox for an accurate reading being this was important and all. After she had waddled to the mailbox and took the reading she explained that I would be receiving a Census form in February or March and that it would be in both English and Spanish for my convenience. “Muy bein” I thought to myself as my tax dollar employee left for her next GPS reading.

Since that time I have noticed the signs around the area looking for workers with the clever tagline “A job that counts” Hijole chingada . The next thing to happen was I received a letter dated March 8, 2010. It said Dear Resident (not to be confused with resident alien) in about a week you will receive a 2010 Census form, please fill it out and mail promptly. Then it explained that it was important so the community could receive their “fair share” of government funds for programs YOU and YOUR NEIGHBORS NEED. How about the government leaves our money alone and let us decide what the hell we need. Pinches cabrones.

The next letter came dated March 15, 2010 with the actual Census form. It explained that you should fill it out and mail back TODAY. This time it said the amount of government money your neighborhood receives DEPENDS on these answers. This money is used for services for children and the elderly, roads and other local NEEDS (I am assuming this means bi lingual school programs). Oh puke me now with a pitchfork you worthless bastards. The nice thing was both letters were in both English and Spanish which made it mas facil de compreder. Jesus Cristo.

So I open the actual Census and read the first line and my head almost pops off my body. It says to return it TODAY but it also says it needs to count everyone on APRIL 1, 2010. Now I have some well honed psychic powers but not enough that I trust them for something that is so important and related to my NEEDS. After finding me a red pen because the form calls for a blue or black pen. I thought azul was red is my answer if they put me in Federal prison over this. Then it says to count every person including babies who live and sleep here MOST of the time. Already it is confusing because I hardly sleep most of the time anywhere. Then it says do NOT count anyone living away at college or in the armed forces. Well hell, what if Dakota decides to go to Yale or join the Coast Guard between now and April 1. Will it effect how much the Feds provide for me needs?

Next it says do not count anyone in a nursing home, jail, prison, detention facility, etc., on April 1, 2010. Ok Christine is getting right up there in age but I doubt she will be in a nursing home next week but who really knows. I doubt I will be in jail but depending on how the Final Four turns out I could be in a mental care facility; does that count as a detention facility? What if the FBI reads this post and hauls me and my red pen away by April 1st? I think I will wait just to be on the safe side.

Now the latest letter dated March 22, 2010. It reads Dear Resident (oh boy) A few days ago you should have received a “request” to participate in the 2010 Census. A request? Are you freaking kidding me? It said it was required by law, now it is just a request. It continued saying it was important to respond. If you have already responded (for the crystal ball owners) please accept our sincere thanks. Then in bold, if you have NOT responded do so soon as possible.

I really do not know what I am going to do; there is a number to call if you need help and a different number for Spanish and yet another for TDD people. What if I need TDD in Spanish? Did some expert think of that? I am glad to see that staff are available for help todos los dias, entre las 8:00 a.m. y 9:00 p.m, 7 dias a la semana. I think it is best if I just wait for Santa Anna’s fat sister with the nice moustache to come back and help me with this form. Festus is in total agreement.

Today’s real environmentalist species found on the ranch is The beaver aka Castor Canadensis.

Today’s picture is cows and calves enjoying the sunshine. The owner enjoys seeing cows on green feed that no longer need to be fed hay!