Thursday, May 22, 2014

Apology to the thief

Dear Thief or thieves,

I want to take a little moment and apologize to you. I hope that the log chain you stole from me is useful to you and you will give it lots of wonderful adventures. I know it has many stories to tell as it came to me second hand from an old farmer that retired and he was gracious enough to not only tell me some of its history, he sold it at a discount to the price I would of had to pay if I had purchased it new. I was very thankful for this and apologize that you wont get to feel the same way since you got it for free. I don't know if you are the same person that has stolen several items over the last few years but if you are I sincerely hope that it fits in the tool box you stole and if it breaks you are able to use the oxy-acetylene torch you stole to fix it. 

Maybe the Sheriff is right since I haven't put up a fence or locked  everything down. I don't know what I was thinking considering it was my property and everyone knows that in todays world if you don't put up a fence with security cameras you are practically asking to have things stolen. I apologize that I was raised that I should be able to leave an unlocked Mercedes convertible on the street of a major city with the keys in the ignition because if it isn't yours you would have no reason to steal it. I sure hope you didnt steal it out of spite. I apologize that last month when you tried to steal some gasoline from the tank labeled "Unleaded" you instead filled your tank with drain oil from several pickups and tractors. If your vehicle gave you fits I am so very sorry! I guess I really should have labeled the tank properly so in the middle of the night you didnt have to suffer any ill consequences of your actions.

 My mom used to explain to me that sometimes people do bad things because of their own lives. "Maybe they were a victim of a broken home" she often said to make an excuse for those that committed crimes. I certainly hope that if I did anything to make your own mother a whore and your own Daddy a f*cktard you will forgive me for doing so. It certainly wasn't intentional. With todays divorce rate I am sure it wont be long before people are stealing things because their same sex parents stayed together until death do they part. I mean not that there is anything wrong with that but I just want to make sure everyone needing an excuse is covered. 

Maybe you didnt steal my property because of your own life, but because of mine. Being a "wealthy" (in your eyes) and successful self employed rancher and landowner clearly I was given everything in my own life and have never worked hard or saved for something I needed or wanted. Because of this view I was deserving of anything that you happened to take from me. The cattle market is booming and on that fact alone I probably deserved losing something of value, I apologize that I didnt just offer it to you for free and that you had to sneak away with my property. Just this week I finished calving season. It turned out well and these calves will likely sell for more per pound than I ever dreamed they would be worth. Hopefully when the bills, taxes and other expenses are paid I will have enough to replace what you stole, if not I will just try again another year. I might think about replacing the chain by stealing one but I wont, I am weird like that in a non fucktard type of way. 

 All those times I contributed time or money to several charity organizations I am sorry it was not enough in your eyes. I will really try and do better and contribute more to my community. If I ever run for public office I will use the slogan of "A log chain for every citizen" God knows a good new one will set you back $30-40. I hope the one you stole from me isn't defective, I only paid $10 for it and the fact that I did not leave some safety glasses close by for you to steal will keep me up at night wondering if you are safe!

To wrap this up I have just a few more apologies I think are warranted. I am sorry I never fell into the trap of meth abuse, it must be some really good shit and being that I like being happy it is a wonder it hasn't happened to me. Heck, if only I had you and I could steal things together and commiserate about how unfair the world is. I also want to apologize that each time something like this happens my heart gets a bit harder. I sure hope that was not your little girl selling Girl Scout cookies last week that I so easily walked by without a purchase because I felt I had given enough already, if it was I am so sorry. For some reason as I get older I am getting to be a bit of a bastard and I dont even come from a broken home. 

Lastly I want to apologize for being a bit of a hillbilly redneck. I own quite a few guns and very rarely do I not have one close at hand. If I happen to be checking cows at 3a.m. and come across you stealing something I apologize for the attitude and the fact that you probably will have a few more holes than a chunk of Swiss cheese. Of course it will only happen because you charged towards me and I felt threatened, after all you did have that chain in your hands and  how was I to know you were not going to hit me with it? Sorry. I don't know officer, he has 6 holes in him, clearly it looks like a case of suicide to me. I am sorry that I have this attitude, it wasn't always like this.

Todays Cowman music selection is Blackberry Smoke singing "One Horse town" it is music like this that keeps me happy so I dont spend my days focused on the bad things that this world seems so full of.
 " In the tiny town where I come from
You grew up doing what your daddy does
And you don't ask questions you do it just because
You don't climb too high or dream too much
With a whole lot of work and a little bit of luck
You can wind up right back where your daddy was"